Realizing My Reactions, Not Lexi's, Needed Addressing

I remember years ago training Lexi, or trying to, and being out walking with her and getting so frustrated that she was so super reactive to everything. Dogs, mostly, at that point. But also everything.

And I remember finally at some point realizing that through my research that I was having an impact on this but then not being able to figure out how because I did not feel like I was holding the leash too tightly at certain points. For example, like that was the thing that I kept reading.

I wish now that I had realized then that the magic trick, if there was one, would be to deal with my own feelings and sensations around her reactions rather than feeling like she needed to change how she behaved so that I could be okay.

Because it wasn't ever really about her reactions. For me, it was about how strongly I reacted when she reacted. The stinky sweat, the flood of anxiety, the fear of what other people were going to think of me when my dog was reacting this way, the worry that this meant that I wasn't good enough somehow, all of it.

That was what I should have been addressing. And I can't help but think sometimes how different things would be right now if I had started learning about all of that then.